Welcome to Deadspin’s The Sports Nihilist, where all is for naught, and we are but accidental jolts of electrified meat stuck to the surface of a rock in an indifferent universe.
Phoenix Suns fans waited until mid-December to see the team’s three stars share the court together, and it lasted all of a game and a half. The Suns lost both contests, and presumably Bradley Beal, again, for however long it takes him to work back from a sprained ankle.
If this season is any indication, we won’t see Beal until after Valentine’s Day. It’s this exact type of story that makes the modern NBA so infuriating. The offseason was filled with debates about whether the Suns’ depth would be enough, but as is often the case with super teams, the focus should’ve been on availability.
And if you’re wondering if this frustration will continue when Beal comes back from this latest injury, the answer is yes. If it’s not Beal, it will be Kevin Durant or Devin Booker. The reason I’m pessimistic bordering on cynical is the In-Season Tournament came and went before seeing what is supposed to be Phoenix’s championship trio.
The Utah Jazz tried to trade John Collins before the Suns’ big three suited up. Ja Morant’s 25-game suspension ends Monday. Draymond Green got suspended, twice, in the time it took Beal, Durant, and Booker to share the floor. The Detroit Pistons are on a 22-game and counting losing streak, and have only two wins. Still, two full games is more than the Suns’ big three have finished.
The Suns are a game over .500, but I guess I’m supposed to take them seriously because, in one of these multiverses, Phoenix’s triangle of death doesn’t collapse in a heap of twisted limbs every time it tries to run above a trot. Hate to break it to NBA Twitter and the people who’ve been edging all year to watch this ménage à trois of basketball porn, but this isn’t that universe, and the only one that is, is NBA2K with injuries and the salary cap turned off.
So take those prying eyes elsewhere, you perverts. Giannis Antetokounmpo’s efficiency and production is record-setting. Here’s a box of tissues and a tub of Vaseline. Now stop bothering me.
There’s nothing Phoenix’s prized medical staff, or Matt Ishbia’s billions of dollars, can do that will make little Bradley walk again. Perhaps he opted out of the polio vaccine, too. Has anyone checked him for that?
It also could be that fate doesn’t exist, and evolution couldn’t perfect the human body. Nothing matters. My advice to Beal would be to try that approach. Clearly, this current lifestyle isn’t working, and things like “science” are a scam, so maybe chug milkshakes laced with PEDs, or binge-eat Quarter Pounders.
Stuff enough HGH and Muscle Milk in a syringe to make Alex Rodriguez fill out a turtleneck, and see how long until your ACLs implode a la David Boston. I don’t know. Ask LeBron James. Apparently, he has a connect.
When the sun dies out, and takes the human race along with it, do you think whatever alien discovers our planet will peruse the history books and say, “If only Bradley Beal were healthy, Phoenix would’ve been unstoppable”?
Yes, yes, a million times yes. By that time, the Suns’ big three will have only played together five games, but nonetheless, it’s a What if? worthy of … never, ever talking about again.
