24 hours a day, seven days a week, 365 days a year, the National Domestic Violence Hotline provides essential tools and support to help survivors of domestic violence so they can live their lives free of abuse. If you or someone you know is experiencing abuse, The Hotline is available 24/7/365. Call: 1-800-799-SAFE (7233).
Since 1989, October has been National Domestic Violence Awareness Month.
According to NCTSN.org: “Domestic violence is prevalent in every community, and affects all people regardless of age, socio-economic status, sexual orientation, gender, race, religion, or nationality. Physical violence is often accompanied by emotionally abusive and controlling behavior as part of a much larger, systematic pattern of dominance and control. Domestic violence can result in physical injury, psychological trauma, and even death. The devastating consequences of domestic violence can cross generations and last a lifetime.”
In September, PokerNews consulted an expert to discuss Suicide Prevention Month, and we wanted to keep such discussions going by talking with Elizabeth Abdur-Raheem, Executive Director of the Nevada Coalition to End Domestic and Sexual Violence, to explore more about the topic and how it can relate to the gambling world.
Q&A w/ Domestic Violence Expert
PokerNews: What constitutes domestic abuse?
Abdur-Raheem: Domestic violence (DV) has no boundaries. It can occur in any relationship regardless of race, income or religion. The stereotype of a woman being beaten by a man is just that a stereotype. In reality victim-survivors and abusers come in all genders and all types of intimate relationships. DV is not simply physical violence and injury – those are only the visible forms. The more dangerous and common tactics of DV are invisible – emotional, sexual and financial.
“For 21 of the past 25 years, Nevada has ranked in the top ten states of women killed by men. Nationally more than 60% of these women are murdered by intimate or former intimate partners.”
NCEDSV defines “domestic violence” (DV) as a pattern of assaultive and coercive behaviors, including physical, sexual, and psychological attacks, as well as economic coercion, that adults or adolescents use against their spouse, intimate partners, dating partner, or family members. The key component to a DV relationship is that one person is leveraging power and control over another individual in a way that keeps that person from maintaining their autonomy. Intimate Partner Violence (IPV) is the most common DV relationship occurring within the context of a spousal or primary partner relationship.
In Nevada, DV is especially prevalent and deadly. Nevada ranks 5th in the country for states with a high rate of DV. 44% of women and 33% men in Nevada will experience DV in their lifetime. In 2023 there were 50 homicide incidents related to DV in Nevada which led to 72 deaths. 16 of those incidents were murder-suicides. 76% of the deaths were committed with firearms. 80% of the victims killed were female and 20% were male. For 21 of the past 25 years, Nevada has ranked in the top ten states of women killed by men. Nationally more than 60% of these women are murdered by intimate or former intimate partners.
What are the warning signs of domestic abuse?
Domestic violence is a dangerous relationship in which one person takes control of another. Physical violence is an easy-to-recognize sign of abuse but it is not usually the first or most common sign. Control often starts small and grows over time. Often victims say “I don’t know how this happened” because it was so gradual. It can feel like they just woke up one day trapped. But in reality, the abuse started long before they’d even thought about it.
Often the first red flags are monitoring and critical remarks about your behavior and appearance. Trying to influence where you go, who you see, and how you dress, even in subtle ways are clear warning signs that deserve attention.
Isolation is a key tactic in abuse. People who are isolated have no one to turn to so they become even more dependent on the abuser. Someone questioning your relationships with friends and family or not wanting you to go places without them it can be early signs of abuse.
Another behavior to pay attention to is a person who blames everyone else for problems they seem to have created themselves. If everything in the relationship is your fault; if you are being held responsible for their behavior; if they say you “make me treat you this way,” the relationship is unhealthy. This often extends to how the person speaks about past relationships. Saying that that person was “crazy” or even admitting to being abusive but explaining it as something the other person “made” them do.
A tool that can help identify a DV relationship is the power and control wheel. The outside part of the wheel, the most easily visible part, is physical and sexual violence. The inside includes common tactics of abuse such as isolation, emotional degradation, gaslighting, victim blaming, using children as a manipulation tool, threats and intimidation, preventing employment, keeping someone pregnant, abusing pets and destruction of property.
Is there any correlation between gambling and domestic abuse (i.e. money or money concerns as a contributing/instigating factor to domestic abuse)?
Stress and financial stress in particular are often crisis points in DV relationships. That fact alone ties increased DV to gambling.
Financial abuse is one of the most common forms of abuse in DV relationships. Gambling and financial abuse are clearly connected. Gambling in a way that puts the family in unsafe situations is financial abuse. Taking someone’s money to gamble so that they cannot maintain the family’s stability is financial abuse. Running up excess debt in someone else’s name, causing evictions and poor credit, asking someone to take unsafe actions to gain more money – all of these are financial abuse. Financial abuse is also some of the hardest abuse to recover from. The damage lasts long after the relationship has ended. This is caused the “ripple effect of economic abuse” and often victims never truly recover.
“A 2022 meta-analysis of research looking at DV and gambling found that gambling is linked to both becoming a victim and a perpetrator.”
A 2022 meta-analysis of research looking at DV and gambling found that gambling is linked to both becoming a victim and a perpetrator. 37% of people reporting problem gambling self-reported having perpetrated DV in the past year. The same report found that women who self-reported problem gambling were three times more likely to experience physical IPV. It is likely that both of these statistics are actually much higher. Being able to identify and self-report either gambling problems or DV requires a high level of understanding and personal objectivity.
In poker, players are often trained and/or encouraged to numb their emotions, which many have admitted spills over into their personal and relationship lives. Is there any sort of risk that such a thing could devolve or contribute to the likelihood of domestic (i.e. psychological/emotional) abuse?
Emotional distance or a lack of being able to tap into your own emotions is known to complicate close personal relationships. But that doesn’t make it abusive. The question is how that distance is being leveraged within the relationship. Deliberately using emotional distance as a punishment and therefore control tactic is emotional abuse. As discussed earlier, it is also abusive to consistently blame another person for your feelings and actions without any personal accountability.
All unhealthy behavior deserves attention. It is one thing to be aware of unhealthy behavior and another to make dealing with it your partner’s responsibility. It is each person’s responsibility to work on being their own healthiest self in a relationship.
What sort of resources are available to those who might want either more information or help regarding domestic abuse?
If you are wondering if you or someone you know could be abusive please reach out to A Call for Change 1-877-893-3411 or [email protected]. This is a confidential, anonymous hotline for those who might be hurting other people to talk through what is happening. No one will judge you and many people want to help.
The National Domestic Violence Hotline website is a great place to start for information for victim-survivors and their family and friends. They can also connect anyone with their local resources by phone (1-800-799-7233) or text (“start” to 88788). Advocates are available to provide support and resources on hotlines 24/7. The most important step is the first one. People are here to believe you and to help.
If anyone is interested in donating to domestic abuse causes, do you have any recommendations?
NCEDSV first always recommends that people donate to their local agency. A full map of Nevada’s service providers can be found on our website.
Suicide Prevention Month: Expert Shares Potential Risks Among Poker Professionals
Wisconsin Poker Event Benefits Domestic Abuse Charity
On Saturday, October 19, 2024, a special poker event took place at Wisconsin’s The Tasting Room of Monona in honor of October being Domestic Violence Awareness Month. All proceeds benefitted Felicia’s Donation Closet, a 501(c)(3) non-profit organization dedicated to supporting survivors of domestic abuse. They provide furniture and household essentials to help individuals transition to safer living situations away from their abusers.
As their mission states, “Often, women escaping domestic violence must leave their homes with only what they can carry. Our mission is to help these women create comfortable and welcoming environments for their families by delivering new and gently used items donated by our supporters. We collaborate with partner agencies across Dane County to serve those in need, ensuring they receive the support they deserve during their difficult journey.”
The tournament cost $100 to enter and 21 players participated raising just over $3,100 for the charity. Milio’s Subs in Waunakee and Sweet Hive Bakery in Middleton donated food for the event, while the top three finishers took home prizes that included a TaylorMade Golf Spider #3, a Black+Decker 20V Max Drill & Home Tool Kit with Inflator/Portable Air Compressor, and a Royal Gourmet CC1830 Barrel Charcoal Grill smoker.
One player who participated was Al Chiozzi, who days earlier had finished ninth in Minnesota’s Canterbury Park Fall Poker Classic Event #7: $250 NLH Seniors (50+). While Chiozzi didn’t walk away with his prize, his wife did in a raffle that accompanied the tournament.
He was also kind enough to provide PokerNews with some photos from the event:
SAFETY ALERT: If you are in danger, please use a safer computer and consider calling 911. The National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233 / TTY 1-800-787-3224 or the StrongHearts Native Helpline at 1−844-762-8483 (call or text) are available to assist you.
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